With Valentine's Day around the corner, I thought it would be a good time to share with you an excerpt on releationships from my upcoming book, "The Joy of Healing". (For clarification: Early in the book, I talk about how the ego is based on the insane belief that we have separated from each other and All That Is or God. This is absolutely impossible because we wouldn't exist if it were true.)
"The Special Relationship - You meet someone and things seem to click. Although you have been hurt before, he or she is everything you always dreamed your partner would be. You have so much in common, and they really understand you. You feel like you have know each other forever. They can do no wrong. This is the relationship that is going to save you, and you go for it.
The first six months of the relationship seems so perfect. You show each other the best of what you both are. You look into each other's eyes, and it's like seeing yourself, all the love that you are. You have found your other half.
The relationship acts as a Band-Aid covering and soothing all the wounds from past relationships that started out exactly like this one. It seemed all they did was reinforce your pain and the beliefs you had hoped weren’t true. Different face, same pattern, but you don’t see it.
Those first six months, you don’t really let each other see those dark and hidden places inside your mind, your fears and your addictions to avoid pain. Neither of you want the other to see who you really are because deep in your heart you believe you are guilty and unlovable. You can’t look at this yourself or let them see it. You believe that if you did, you would find your worst nightmares about yourself are true. Instead, you use the relationship to avoid the only truth, forgetting the Love that you are.
The relationship becomes a you-and-me-against-the-world thing. You think you are safe in the little bubble you have created with your partner. You don’t realize the form of this relationship is actually increasing your feelings of being separate from each other and the world. This is the 'Special Relationship'.
Gradually, those wounded places and limiting, unconscious beliefs begin to show themselves in the relationship. If you are not aware of what is going on, you will project onto your partner those things you are not willing to look at, accept and heal within yourself.
Once again, you go through the pain of disillusionment. Another partner disappoints you. The relationship ends, and you are alone once again with that empty place inside until the next person comes along who resonates with you. The cycle begins all over again, and nothing really changes…
The Holy Relationship - The scenario of a 'Holy Relationship' is quite different from the 'Special Relationship'. The relationship is not used unconsciously to feed the ego and add to the belief in separation. It is used as a means to open each other deeper and deeper into love. The relationship then acts as a catalyst to share that love with the world through the expression of your unique gifts and talents. The relationship is inclusive, not exclusive.
Perhaps you have certain agreements with one person that you don’t have with other people such as monogamy. Maybe you agree to stay together to support each other as life partners. You keep these agreements out of love and a desire to maintain this connection because it adds more joy to your life. Your personal integrity with yourself strengthens the bond of trust with your partner and theirs with you.
Relationships are the best workshop in town. You and your partner know that if you truly allow yourself to love deeply, all the ugly wounds, irrational beliefs and deepest pain will surface to the light of day. You know it’s useless to hide. You know there’s nothing left to do but to get real with yourself and your partner.
You are willing to really open, look honestly at yourself, and take personal responsibility for your healing and so is your partner for themselves. Although you and your partner have all the faults and frailties of being human, you know they are not what you are.
There may be times you may forget who you and your partner are and fall back into the unconsciousness or denial of the ego. You are no longer really present with your partner. During these times, the first one to remember to invite God or your divine guidance into the relationship is the most rational. You have remembered to turn the relationship over to love instead of fear.
Where you may have many conscious or unconscious agendas about how you think things should be, Spirit will have only one, your return to Love. Spirit will use every relationship for what will bring about the most healing. However, it may not come in the way you think it should.
You learn that turning it over means letting go of control and trusting the process, your partner, God and most of all yourself. You know you can handle whatever happens. You know that whatever happens is for the highest good. You know that even if the form of the relationship were to change, the love will always be there.
The intimacy deepens as you unravel those unhealthy kinks within each other. With the support of your partner, you let go more and more of self-judgment and projection. The opening of your heart and your expansion in consciousness spills out into the world to be shared with everyone. The relationship is a conscious blessing to each other and the world.”
In Service, Maren Nelson
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